Stealth Mode: The United States disappears from maps
August 26, 2007
We here at the Killentime laboratory have observed an interesting phenomenon: twenty percent of Americans cannot find the United States on a map. To be honest, we find that statistic to be shocking and we decided to investigate. Is this some shortcoming of public education? Are mapmakers suffering from spacial amnesia? Did aliens steal the United States? Have the men in black finally erased everyone’s memory? Is the federal government employing some new anti-terrorist stealth technology? Has the United States ticked off National Geographic? As a public service, Killentime has launched an in-depth investigation. The following report sums up our findings regarding these (and other) seriously investigative investigation questions.
Is this some shortcoming of public education?
The staff at Killentime almost unanimously participated in public education. We all know where the United States is on a map. In addition, the staff is acquainted with several public school teachers–all of whom know where the United States is on a map. These facts have led us to the conclusion that the shortcoming does not lie with public education; however, testing is still being done on the publicly educated to see if the shortcoming might lie there.
Are mapmakers suffering from spacial amnesia?
We don’t know any map makers–so we had to use references from popular culture. It is a well-known fact that there has never been a map maker in any soap opera. We can logically conclude from this that map makers do not suffer from amnesia. This question seems moot.
Did aliens steal the United States?
No. We checked and it is still here.
Have the men in black finally erased everyone’s memory?
Get real, folks. Agents J & K and their “flashy-thingy” were part of a fictional movie. Just because a film seems real doesn’t mean it is.
Is the federal government employing some new anti-terrorist stealth technology?
Probably not. The United States is run by politicians, eliminating cool things like this from ever being considered.
Has the United States ticked off National Geographic?
We don’t think so, and this is why: It is called “National Geographic”. If they were upset, their initial reaction would probably be to change their name to something more memorable–like “? Geographic”. Think how cool their logo would be with the ‘G’ and the ‘?’ intertwined!
Late Breaking News
As this story was going to press, we were alerted to the fact that another research team was investigating this issue and has already presented their findings at the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant. Here is the video from the presentation:
After further analysis, we believe that the explanation presented in the video is the most plausible. We are a bit embarrassed that we didn’t reach these conclusions first. We know both of our readers are counting on us and we pledge to try and improve our response time when researching such pertinent questions in today’s world.
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